Auntie Harper #34

December 10th, 2008

1. I don’t know what I want for Christmas! What should I ask for to get maximum rewards?
Like collecting reward points to spend at your local supermarket? Surely Christmas is much more fun than shopping at Asda!

2. When am I too old to get my stocking hung at the end of my bed?
At the point at which the end of the sock starts hitting the floor, then you know that you are too big for this. Apparently Santa has quite small arms, so if he can’t reach the bottom then he won’t give you anything. Anyway, I never got anything when I was a kid. Maybe that was because I left my soiled pants at the end of the bed instead.
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Auntie Harper #33

November 8th, 2008

1. I am freaking out about the recession. Is it going to affect everyone? What can I do to help myself and save cash?

Head to Farm Foods; quality brands, cheaper prices. As far as knowing who will be affected, I haven’t got a Scoobie Doo. However, as the impact of the recession increases, I’m sure I will see more poor-ass bums hanging round the streets of Bedminster for me to make fun of. Today, on East Street, some asshole threw a can of Tenant’s Super at me on my way home from work. Luckily it missed!
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Auntie Harper #28

April 7th, 2008

1. I can never think of anything to do in Bristol with the bird when it’s raining. You know Bristol. Please help!

You sound like someone with very little imagination. Bored of the cinema I assume? Moaning I guess, because it’s costing you an arm and leg for the tickets plus a kidney on the popcorn? Huh! Stop being such a tight fisted twat and spoil the young lady.
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Auntie Harper #27

March 13th, 2008

 

1. Why is that girl you fancy always fancy your mate, and the ones who fancy me I never fancy? I am not a pig after all?

- It sounds like you are aiming too high. Look in a mirror and give yourself a rating out of 10. Now aim 2 places lower in all of your conquests.

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