Horoscopes by Mystic Ginger - February

Self esteem is unlucky for you and should be avoided until March, so remember that you have never achieved anything real. You’re a useless ape and your dad hates you.

Work getting you down?  Hand in your notice and get something better – there are loads of jobs out there! Oh, I do make myself laugh. No, really you are trapped. Sorry.

The next two months continue cold and wet. Keep treading water, and try peeing on your legs for warmth. Your lucky destination: land.

Romance has the initials MRSA for you. Single Taureans; get yourself down to your local hospital, quick. Don’t forget not to wash your hands.

Now, Mystic does know that she’s not legally allowed within fifteen feet of you. But I can see you in my crystal ball. You look lonely… I’m coming over.

Single Cancerians can find love this season by leaving their drinks unattended. What, not romantic enough for you? You can’t afford to be picky, you know.

Neptune moves into the fifth house in your chart, so most Leos will have bugs crawling under their skin. Itchy, aren’t they? Scratch them out!

With decadent Venus in ascendancy, this is a great time to give in to your desires. Go on – have that chocolate cake. Or try smoking some crack, it’s lovely, really more-ish.

With defensive Mars in the second house, you may feel that people are unfairly ganging up on you. Just shut up, if you don’t want your other windows smashed.

Your chart clearly shows that your teeth are holding you back in the workplace. Get rid of them and move on. Kick them to the curb! Or bite the curb.

A slow month for you – but you’ve never been the sharpest needle in the hazardous waste bin anyway. Don’t worry; where you’re going, intelligence will get you killed.

You face a crossroads – success and riches down one path, humiliation and scary geese down the one you will inevitably choose. Your lucky shrapnel: bits of glass.

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