Bah! Pigswill! Humbug! - Why I Hate Christmas…

As the icy winds of winter gradually creep up on us, as does the merry sneer of Christmas. Even before the first autumn leaves have fallen, we are bombarded in every direction by cheery propaganda bred in poundshop stockrooms across the country, relentlessly poking everyone in the face; “The X word is coming! Get ready. Get your wallet out.” It’s relentless. The ultimate insult is that behind all the fluffy snowmen and ‘good will to all men’, there is a grotesque, greedy corporate underbelly to Christmas and the spending quickly usurps the spiritual, transforming the season into just a gargantuan capitalist cash-cow. What’s wrong with Christmas? It’s no longer mine.

If you can eventually cut through all the crap and cling on to what remains of the Christmas values, why does the day itself always ends up being such a drag? With a cumulative hangover from a month’s solid drinking, when Christmas morn finally does arrive, you have to drag yourself out of bed, full of dread.

Even as a child Christmas didn’t seem to make sense: I was under some illusion that something miraculous was about to happen and when it didn’t, I was very put out. When it dawned that Christmas really was just about sitting around a tree opening a few hideous presents, eating a massacred turkey and passing out, I miserably failed to understand the concept. At least when you were young Christmas held some sort of suspense and promise, the potential that this year could be ‘a really good Christmas’ but as you progress in years, it seems your patience for Christmas weans too and your routine just becomes one of slow mental preparation for the grim inevitability that awaits.

Everybody feels the same way; we all moan about the street decorations up in October and the shit Christmas songs assaulting you on all sides but we all conform anyway, too embarrassed as to what society might think if we, heaven forbid, break from tradition and reject Christmas. Instead we all grimly take our place in the queue, waiting our turn in the aisle to buy handfuls of instantly forgettable gifts that are supposed to represent what a giving time this is.

Christmas Day and you watch as the tattered remnants of ceremony form colourful piles around the family home and the idealistic domestic bliss strains and threatens to descend into a brawl. In desperation to fill that dull emptiness inside you and just to make yourself feel anything, you cram endless heaps of food into your mouth; but to no avail. The alcohol is similarly ineffective, but at least it allows you to muster a smile when you get round to unwrapping the generic gifts that underline just how little your family know you.

Eventually, sitting in a turgid stupor, you wonder if you’ll ever be able to pay off the credit cards; not before next year any way. It’s not like we even get snow any more.

Bah! – and indeed – Humbug!

Ebenezer Scrooge aka. Jason Beech, Kitty Moorsom & Tom Spooner

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One Response to “Bah! Pigswill! Humbug! - Why I Hate Christmas…”

  1. Andria Says:

    Thanks for making me laugh and feel I’m not alone with the Xmas- thingy. I just hate the fact it’s a ’should’. Shows what a saddo I am, scouring the net for ‘i hate xmas’ sites! You’ve actually cheered me up! Andria

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