Ho-Ho-Horoscopes - December

It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas… or maybe it’s food poisoning. Your lucky stocking filler: legs.

A fat man with a beard will try to get inside your chimney this month – but you don’t have to let him. Don’t go any further than you feel comfortable with.

Be careful around food. Someone will lie about the filling of a pie – it is fruit, not mince at all! But don’t say anything or they will set fire to your pudding.

With Jupiter, planet of underpants, rising in your chart, Mystic Ginger sees you mostly getting pants and socks for Christmas. Possibly pyjamas, but they will be too small.

Family tensions reach a head when your dad and uncle get drunk and have the dead-dog argument AGAIN, and no-one helps clear up and your mum cries and says she gives up, she really does.

What do you mean this year won’t be like last year? Mystic guarantees it will be, right down to the part where you throw up and blame it on the dog.

It’s not Terry’s, it’s yours. Go on, just take it. Sod Terry, you had it on your list first. You’ve been waiting all year for this!

This month avoid the colours red and green, children singing, cold weather, wrapping paper, flashing lights, glittery things, beards and the hope of snow… Heed my warning.

This month, flush all your money down the toilet and sit in McDonalds eating until you put on two stone. Then tell your brother you hate him. There. Job done.

Ok, so last year’s ‘mistletoe incident’ didn’t exactly go to plan. But she has nearly regained the sight in that eye. And if at first you don’t succeed…

You might as well forget about Christmas this year. After your behaviour with the pickled eggs last month, I don’t think you’ll be on Santa’s ‘Nice List’.

Give something back to the community this Christmas season. Seriously, give it back. It’s not yours, is it? Your lucky unexpected gift: scabies.

by Mystic Ginger

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